Pieces of me

Aye. I haven't written much about me lately. It's been a rough couple of months for me. I feel so....old.

The title of this blog probably fits me the most right now. Midlife crisis? Probably. Most likely. Definitely. No doubt about it.

My life has been rather boring these past few years. No real drama. I guess that would be a blessing. There have been ups-and-downs. Life wouldn't be living if there weren't. But lately, I've felt a piece of me missing. Don't get me wrong. I love my family, my husband, my kids....my life. But I feel that I'm missing something grand. Something yearning deep down in the pit of my heart...just aching to be let loose.

I know that my friends and family think I'm a crazy loon who has totally lost reality. Maybe I have. I didn't just one day say, "Sheree. I think you should start watching Japanese anime." I'm a white, 36-year-old female, middle class, married with 3 kids. How many of those do you know who sit hours at a time watching Japanese cartoons? Not many, if at all.

But lately, well.....I'm 36, damn it! Why should I have to act like one? I feel like I just graduated high school. My body says differently but my heart and brain think otherwise. "I'm 21, really." That's what my heart says. But then I get so depressed when my body contradicts my heart. I'm suffering from aches and pains from yoga and running. My body wants to slow down when my legs want to run. I want to run....fast. I want to run a marathon. I want the body of Madonna. Hell, why can't I? She's 10 years older than me and looks amazing for her age. And is terribly physically fit. I want to be that woman. Not her life. Just to be as creative and active as her.

I don't want to grow up. I rather detest that thought. I don't want to give up my kids or my husband. I actually savor that reality. But why does my body not want to agree? It pains me figuratively and literally.

So I sit at my computer. I write these thoughts down. What is that piece of me that is missing? I delve into the world of Japanese literature, anime, and television. I love it. I've come to discover that as an American, we are too naive in our way of thinking. We believe we are the best and no other country can compare. But are we? We shun other countries but say we will help them if they need help. In Japanese culture, the old are respected, nurtured, cared for, taken care of by their children and grand children. Love is an all encompassing thing. We Americans abuse it and squander it like it was a soiled paper towel ready to be thrown away. Love is a beautiful thing. How do the Japanese make love sound so beautiful? Look so beautiful? Smell so beautiful? Then I realize that one day I will go to Japan...to experience something. Take my family and to surround ourselves in sakura (cherry blossoms), ramen, ride a bullet train, and to listen and to feel the beauty that is Japan.

Is that my missing piece? To travel to this place that has gripped my heart with one hand and has tugged me ever since. Can this wonderful place bring my body and soul back together? Can joy come of it? This is my wish...one day. Even if it was for a day...just one day.

I want to run. I want to be young. I want so many things. The pain that grips the nerve of my left leg and glute makes me realize that I can't go backwards. I must move forward. You are only as young as you want to be. I won't let my body think it's time for early retirement. I want to be........as young as I want to be.

I know this is a bunch of misdirected rambling and pish-posh. No directive, no order. But that is just a piece of me...........